No matter what I do, I always seem to make things harder on myself than I need to. The worst part? I don’t know this because a kind and observant friend has sent a text like, hey, you need to stop! Don’t make things harder on yourself than you need to! That text is from me, to me. I know exactly what I am doing, yet I keep doing it.
Maybe because I like love rushing to throw together a half-assed lunch for my kid? Or because I love wearing unwashed socks to the gym? Or it’s probably because I love feeling sick pangs of worry and regret when I accidentally (maybe) poke someone (my ex) I shouldn’t on Facebook? Yep, that’s it. What is that thing they say about people who don’t learn from mistakes? Something, something, dickhead?
To add to my wonderful self-sabotaging genetics, I am also worse case scenario thinker. Just think about what a sucky fucking meal those two ingredients make. It’s like presenting someone with a plate of celery and farts. Or celery and anything for that matter, because celery fucking sucks.
Let me paint you a picture – I am running late to pick up my son from school because I stayed late at work because I arrived late that morning (because: disorganised). On top of worrying about my lateness, my mind is also telling me he has been picked up by a stranger and is now half way to Puerto Rico. In this scenario he has also forgotten his hat and his water bottle just because my brain knows a thirsty and sunburnt child really gets me anxious. And it goes on like this for the whole 40 minute bus ride until I either arrive at the school, or something more worrying distracts me, such as; the thought that I’ve forgotten to turn my straightener off that morning and I will turn up to disapproving looks from my neighbours and no house.
And believe me, I know how painful that seems. I must be exhausting to be around.
I can recall conversations similar to the below on many occasions.
Hey, how are you?
Why?? What are you doing?
Neck-deep in a packet of Doritos and Facebook.
He is 100% seeing someone else.
Wait, you said you were going to stop doing that.
See? Look how annoying I am.